Friday, January 8, 2016

Eat a Pound of Chocolate for Peace and Prosperity.

I banned my family from bringing any sweets, candy, deserts etc. into the house for Christmas. You see, I am trying to evade my several-year narrowing orbit around the Ghost of Christmas Present’s insistence that we adorn our bodies with internally integrated holiday trimmings around our midsections and nether regions.

So why not just avoid eating them and not subject my family to my lack of discipline?

That’s because I have this other problem. It’s a problem most kids, including my own, don’t have any understanding of. This is because I was too generationally distant to really, enthusiastically, and assiduously beat into my kids, the customs that were zealously beat into my parents (and in turn me), who were raised by my depression era grandparents. And what did they learn and pass on? You can’t let any food go to waste, especially since it may all disappear in a dust bowl and in a bout of over production.

My wife doesn’t have this later problem. So, the responsibility falls on me to make sure no food goes to waste and to also eat my fair share of some of the dessert and chocolate because it could all just disappear overnight and its an act of charity to help them also stay trim. So I’m like the bottom feeding crabs in the ocean--whatever food escapes the mouths of others and comes sifting down from them to settle and rest upon the dusty places in the fridge, cupboards and storage areas, has to be scavenged up by me.

Despite all of this, I’ve been ahead of the curve so far. I am just a couple of pounds over my usual weight, which I can lose in a week. Then, a client of mine brought by some baklava. Nobody would eat enough of it in the office. What could I do?

I went home with it. Upon arriving, there were more treats awaiting me from neighbors and extended family--worst of all, there was chocolate. I forgot about these potential culprits. How do you include them in the ban?

To make matters worse, I had thoughts of my 8th grade US history teacher, Mr. Richards, who somehow managed to escape detection from the administrative office when his cheeks seemed to get a little rosy each year before the holidays and whose breath smelled distinctly with an odor that was foreign to me yet might have been alcohol. He said that the best thing for the economy was to wear out a pair of blue jeans. He said that’s why the great depression happened–too many jeans that weren’t being worn out.

You see, back then, the 1930's economy was all about jeans, not cars, i-pads or houses and not enough blue jeans were being worn out. So jeans piled up on the shelves. Then cotton growers, jean makers (two back then–Levis and Lees), jean designers (three back then–the two who worked at Levis and Lees and my grandma), jean retailers and whole sellers, all went out of business and had to lay off workers. Then those workers didn’t have any money to buy spam, radios and refrigerators. Production piled up in those businesses, more workers were laid off, and then the whole economy collapsed. This then led to more liberal minded movies, WWII and FDR and that is why we are all now living in the socialist apocalypse of the Obama era.

Now in the 2010s, we live in the chocolate, baklava and other festive holiday-foods-driven economy. As a result, too many people make a living off growing stuff for the holidays- designing, baking and selling chocolates, baklava, salami, baked hams and other holiday foods. Not to mention the economy-driving, after-holidays gym-membership sales.

So what would happen if everyone, like me, were Scrooges and ignored the Ghost of Christmas Present and refused to adorn their bellies with fat from eggnog, chocolate, baklava and pie?

Obviously it would result in the collapse of our economy, more liberal minded movies, WWIII, the third wave of socialism–which we know would be the last this country could endure--and therefore the end of civilization.

 So, in the spirit of all that is holy and good, to bring prosperity and world peace, do your part and do what I did tonight, and then every night until you buy your gym membership on January 2nd- eat chocolate and baklava. Oh, and wear out some blue jeans and realize that the Donald is just bluffing, he really is a warm hearted and wise soul and he will bring the capitalist utopia that will last for a thousand years.

Loren M. Lambert, December 18, 2015 ©

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